


'cause i know that you feel me somehow

by ApollosArtemis



Category: Suits (US TV)
Genre: Bye closet it's been fun, Darvey as parents, Fluff, Gen, Rainbows, gay !!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:55:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27710072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ApollosArtemis/pseuds/ApollosArtemis
Summary: Donna Paulsen has always liked rainbows. She loved the early sunbeams that sometimes turned into mini rainbows in her bedroom, she loved it when it had just rained or when it was still lightly raining, and the sun hit the droplets just right to paint one strip of the sky in all of the colours. There was something about the sun and the colours that always brought her joy.orThe one where Darvey’s daughter comes out to them
Relationships: Donna Paulsen/Harvey Specter
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	'cause i know that you feel me somehow

**Author's Note:**

> I got this idea a few days ago, and then someone asked for this on Twitter and then the fic was done within 24 hours lmao, so thanks Twitter!
> 
> I'm not sure if this still counts, because she has already read this, but today is Ghadeer's birthday, so... unofficial birthday present? Enjoy your day darling, I hope it's a great one, and I love you lots <3!!

Donna Paulsen has always liked rainbows. She loved the early sunbeams that sometimes turned into mini rainbows in her bedroom, she loved it when it had just rained or when it was still lightly raining, and the sun hit the droplets just right to paint one strip of the sky in all of the colours. There was something about the sun and the colours that always brought her joy. 

She painted a rainbow in her room after they moved from their house to a small apartment because of her dad’s mistake. If she couldn’t keep her piano and her music, she’ll keep her colours, her reminder that there is  _ always _ a brighter side. It wasn’t perfect, like most things in her life, but she decided that was what made it beautiful. 

As she gets older, she doesn’t get rid of all the colour in her life, but it gets dulled by work and long nights followed by early mornings with coffee and vanilla. She shows up to the office in blue, red, black, white, pink dresses. But it’s different. It’s distant, it’s merely a reminder of the person she was, the person she thought she’d become. She loves Harvey, always has, but he dragged her into a world that changed her, a world that killed all creativity and thrived on money and betrayal. If she had to choose again, between herself and her colours and her dreams, and Harvey Specter and the corporate world he’s bound to, she’s not sure what she would do. Not that it matters, because she’s here now, with him and colourful dresses that are almost enough to make her forget about the rainbows. 

She’s not fully aware of where her burning love for rainbows comes from. It’s childish, unprofessional, and it’s something she really should have let go of in her teens. But she can’t help it, not when it became entangled with her heart and her passions over the years, not when it made her think of cozy mornings and homemade dinners and love. She didn’t have a terrible childhood, has enough happy memories, but she’s not sure she was genuinely happy throughout all of it. She does know that every memory she has that is attached to rainbows, even the one on her wall, is a good one that makes her smile. 

Somehow Harvey changes their corporate, sterile workplace into a warm, happy place. She knew he could, they shared enough nights with whiskey, jazz and each other in his office to know it was possible. But in the morning the spell would be broken, and they’d still flirt but it would no longer mean something, not really, not in the long run. But dating Harvey, being able to look at him and tell him, with the exact words, that she loves him, that changed everything. It felt like coming up back for air after slowly drowning for a decade and a half, like she was vacuum sealed in a place without colour only to be finally cut free. The walls were still beige and the office still felt as corporate as can be, but it no longer mattered. Colour is pulsing through her veins, right along with his name, and she doesn’t think she has ever felt this alive before. 

She tells him, then, when they’re dating and in love like never before. She tells him about streams of colour and double rainbows being pointed out by her parents, about the rainbow she painted in her room, now undoubtedly covered with different paint in someone else’s room. She tells him, quieter, almost whispering, that he’s her rainbow now, that he makes her feel as alive, if not more alive, as teen Donna who could stare up at rainbows for hours, and would just  _ be happy.  _ Genuinely happy, she tells him, like nothing ever has until he came along. He tells her he’s honoured to be part of a very elite club that only has him and science in it. 

~*~

In hindsight, it’s a little bit stupid that she never thought of it before. Every friend she has, has always had names in mind for future kids (Rachel, for example, has told her that Elle has been on her list for years), but she never really had. She came across names she liked, but usually those names were attached to classmates or children of family friends, and that meant she didn’t really feel anything for naming her children that. It happens when she and Harvey are scrolling through websites, looking at names for their little girl, because neither of them knows where to start. 

Iris.  _ Means "rainbow" in Greek. Iris was the name of the Greek goddess of the rainbow, also serving as a messenger to the gods. _

She stops, completely, even forgets to breathe for a second. Iris. That’s perfect. Harvey knows, sees her freeze and follows her gaze to the name and she can sense his grin without looking at him. He says it then, out loud, softly and filled with so much love, and that’s that then. 

“Hey, crazy idea,” she begins, finally taking her eyes off the laptop and turning her head towards him. “What about Iris as her middle name? It feels more fitting to keep it hidden. I always thought the beauty of rainbows is that they’re not always there, and obviously it will always be her name, but it won’t be as in your face.” 

“Perfect.” Harvey agrees, and they joke about probably being the first people ever who come up with a middle name first. It takes them a while to find the perfect first name, as they keep bouncing between a few, but the second she’s born and they look at her, they know. 

Aubrey Iris Paulsen-Specter.

~*~

Aubrey is like her mother in many ways. Harvey continues to say how lucky they are that she got her red hair, because before they got together, he would dream of running his fingers through it, and now their daughter, the proof of their love, has the same hair, and that never fails to amaze him. She has the same depths of empathy, the same tendencies to wear her heart on her sleeve. But she also got Harvey’s strong mindset, and a flair for dramatics from both sides. All in all, their Aubrey is a handful, but she’s perfect.

She’s 10 when she transforms her room into a rainbow wonderland. Donna helps her, of course, and even paints a double rainbow (a large and a small one, definitely not resembling herself and Aubrey) on her wall. She asks her if it turned out better than the one she painted years ago, and Donna laughs and tells her yes, because this time, it wasn’t for herself. Aubrey loves it, as well as the rainbow cover on her bed and the clouds Donna hung up everywhere to add some dynamic. She knows from experience that too much colour can become too much, over time. 

The rainbows stay as she gets older. She tones it down, switches her duvet to blues and purples, or yellows and pinks depending on her mood, and she takes down some clouds. But the painted rainbows stay, and her room remains a burst of colour in a sea of blues, blacks and whites in the rest of the house. Donna and Harvey aren’t incredibly strict with themes though, so colours bleed into the rest of the house over the years as well, courtesy of both Paulsen-Specter girls. 

It’s Donna who notices the subtle shift in Aubrey’s behaviour when she’s barely 15. She’s still bubbly and demanding and capable of wrapping anybody around her finger, but she seems off. She seems… well, she seems to be wrestling with something. It’s a weird thing to experience, because she always knows what’s going on. And now, her daughter,  _ her daughter,  _ who she knows better than anybody else, even Harvey, is going through something, and she doesn’t know what it is. She asks Harvey one day, late at night when Aubrey is in bed and they’re still up watching reruns of Grey’s Anatomy, but he admits he doesn’t know. That doesn’t surprise her, but it doesn’t help her either. 

When she asks her, Aubrey gets defensive. It’s one of the moments where she regrets pairing her own DNA up with Harvey’s, because really, how could it  _ not  _ have led to a child that will slam doors in their faces from time to time and storm through the house with barely containable anger. 

“Bree,” she says, through her daughter’s closed door, “honey, it’s okay. I’m not here to attack you, or corner you. I’m your mom, I know something’s up. I just want you to talk to me. Please?”

“No. Go away,” comes Aubrey’s voice, but she doesn’t sound angry. She sounds defeated, almost. Like she’s not sure how to feel.

She leaves her alone, deciding to wait for Harvey to come home, even if he won’t be of any help figuring out what’s wrong. It seems unnecessarily cruel to make her talk about whatever’s troubling her twice. 

It feels wrong, sitting in their living room, staring at the tv without seeing anything because she’s too busy analyzing her child’s life. She never really felt guilty for mentally digging around lives, for replaying conversations and linking them to different ones, to be able to connect the dots at lightspeed and always stay ahead of whoever she’s talking to. But this is different, this is not Harvey, or Rachel, or Mike, or anybody she’s on the same level with. This is not a friend who she can make fun of or someone she can pressure into doing anything, this is her child, and she deserves privacy. And boundaries, and what she’s doing right now feels a lot like crossing them. But she can’t help it, because her brain keeps circling back to the worst scenarios, so she’d rather try to figure it out then get stuck in  _ what ifs _ . 

The second Harvey steps through the door, all the dots suddenly connect. She’s not sure how to go about it, so she says nothing, does nothing, just stays on the couch and waits for Harvey to greet her. 

“You know something,” he says, immediately, instead of saying hi, very familiar with the current look on her face, the one that shows that she cracked someone’s mind and has more information than before. 

“I think so, yeah,” she admits, running her bottom lip between her teeth. “We’d have to talk to Aubrey though, and I’m not sure if that’s the best move to make.”

“What does that- What?”

Donna sighs, grabs his hands to lift herself off the couch and doesn’t let go, leading them to the only door in their house with a rainbow sign. It says Aubrey on it in golden letters, and Donna runs her index finger over it before knocking on the door.

“No.” It’s resolute, making it crystal clear that Aubrey doesn’t want to have this conversation.

“Baby, please open the door.” Donna tries, already knowing it won’t be that easy.

“Why?”

“Aubrey, I love you. Your dad loves you. Please talk to us.”

That miraculously seems to do it, because the door cracks open. Harvey notices the door wasn’t locked, and wonders why Donna didn’t just walk in, but he says nothing. She’s still holding his hand, only letting go once they sit down on Aubrey’s bed to take one of her hands in both of her own. 

“You know.” Aubrey states, with a trembling voice and tears forming in her eyes. 

“Hmm, I’m your mom.  _ And  _ I'm Donna. The odds were always stacked against you. Your dad doesn’t know though, and I think he’d appreciate being filled in.”

“I do.” Harvey says, looking between his daughter and his wife. They look at each other, and Aubrey doesn’t open her mouth again until Donna nods and squeezes her hand. 

“I’m gay.” 

For a second none of them do anything, they just sit there, looking at each other, and then Donna kicks his leg and wordlessly tells him to say something.

“Honey, that’s- That’s what you were worried about?”

Aubrey is nodding, still looking terrified and it’s absolutely heartbreaking that she thought that this would change anything. He’s moving then, getting up from the edge of her bed and hugging her. Aubrey cries, not hysterically but loud enough to be heard, and both parents immediately shush her and tell her over and over and over that they love her. They end up in a group hug, all three of them on Aubrey’s tiny bed and it’s not quite comfortable but nobody wants to move. 

Aubrey is in the middle, each hand intertwined with one of her parents. They’re looking up at glow in the dark stars and a few rainbows on her ceiling that survived the big rainbow cleanup from two years ago. 

“How did you know?” Aubrey asks quietly, turning her head to the left to look at her mother.

“Just finally put two and two together and realised you talk about actresses whenever you talk about shows you’re watching. That, and your absolute disinterest in boys.” Aubrey laughs at that, starting softly but she’s rapidly reaching uncontrolled laughter. 

Once she calms down, she takes a deep breath and squeezes her parents’ hands. “I love you so much”, she whispers, once again staring up at her ceiling. Donna and Harvey repeat it back to her, and it starts to feel like they have to get up. 

Harvey makes a move first, looking around his daughter’s room as he sits up. “At least you have a good theme going,” then he looks at Donna, “we did a good job picking out her middle name as well.”

“Yeah, we uhm, we might have set you up for being gay from the beginning.” Donna says lightly as she also gets up. “And before you say something, I know that’s not how it works.”

“So we’re good?” Aubrey asks, shuffling to lean against her headboard. 

“Better than ever baby,” her mother says, “just… know that you can come to us with anything from now on okay?”

“Absolutely. Now, get out of my room, I have to tell some friends that I had The Talk and that it went awesome.”

Both of her parents laugh at that, and then they’re once again looking at a rainbow sign with golden letters. 

“We did good.” Harvey says, and they both know he means more than just now. 

“We sure did.” Donna agrees. “Does this mean I officially have permission to decorate the entire house with rainbows? You know, as support.” She ignores Harvey’s “yeah, right,  _ support _ ”, simply because they both know she’ll do it anyway.

It’s not new, the realization that she would choose Harvey over what she thought she wanted in life a million times over, but it is new that she realizes that maybe she was onto something, with the rainbows. Really onto something. 

Something like unconditional love, and unwavering support.

Something like home.


End file.
